Tuesday, December 29, 2015

He's Not Coming

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It's a really strange thing to think about someone else the same way that you think about your own children.

To sift through Christmas pajamas at Target looking for his size.

To assemble a bed for him to sleep in and wonder if he'll roll off.

To try to convince him to eat "just one more nugget!" before going to play on the plastic tubes 'o communicable disease.

To notice every accessory that is stamped with the characters that he loves most and wonder just how tacky it would look to have paw patrol socks + shoes on in the same outing.

It feels weird, you know?

I've tried to explain it to my husband as like a weird mom nurturing thing. (I have such poor vocabulary with things like this.)  I'm like a mama bear, I gestated, nursed, and now hustle around the needs of two littles. With news that we would be grafting in a third, my mind sprang right into action. I wanted to love on him the same way that I've loved on my others. Let's do this thing. I knew that there would be challenges with adding a third but I also knew that his maker loved him infinitely and that I was willing to muddle through it. We started prepping.

We've seen every house on zillow 100 times. We've taken off work to have first and second viewings, meet the inspection guy, and show our poor sweet real estate lady how to turn the flashlight on on her iphone so that we could look around in dark corners. We've prepared as if we were actually having another baby. My two year old asks about him and wonders when he will come over. She is excited when we strap his carseat in and tell her that he's spending the evening with us. We were ready to do whatever it took.

But he's not coming.

Obviously, I can't spell it all out for the world wide web but the tide of the circumstances that brought him into our lives has turned. Things are not playing out the way that we were absolutely sure that they would. The situation is completely out of the realm of our control. We have no say in what happens, and we have no choice but to watch from a distance and pray. We see the Lord's provision now in not allowing the homes to go through. We understand now why it never worked out (to my mom-stinct frustration) for him to officially move in.

Since Ellie was born, I've prayed this prayer over her life:

That she would see past the mirage of what SEEMS to be happening in the world around her and hold fast to what is actually true. That her identity would only ever be found in Christ. That when things all around her seemed confusing, that she would stop looking around and look. up. I've realized that praying those words over her even as a baby have prepared me for the way that I would need them in this season.

God is good, and he isn't the source of sin and brokenness. However, he allows hardship for the ones he loves that we would look past our surroundings and desperately call on Him.

As far as being a woman goes, I'm typically pretty unemotional. As in, I usually cry once a quarter at an especially touching suburu commercial. It's taken me weeks of thinking and processing to even be able to put into words what I'm feeling.

Sad. Relieved? Exhausted. Guilty for feeling relieved? Anxious. Stressed?

Obviously, we have barely stuck our big toe into the ocean that is the world of foster care and adoption.  And our big toe got burned and I'm busily wrapping it in ACE bandages while Mason is standing on the diving board ready to jump in again one day. He told me that feeling sad is okay but that just feeling sad is not enough of a reason to not give love to kids that desperately need it. Not immediately, but in a few years he feels very confident in leading our family back down that path. He's such a rock.

So, dear friends and family, that is our update. I'm sorry that it's so heavy. I've been wishing away the heaviness (and freezing cold temps) of this season but it is what it is. I'm clinging to hope that doesn't change. I'm confident our Creator sees and hears and has a purpose in all of these things. Please pray with me for this special boy as he continues down the path of transition. 

****** I was going to postpone this portion for the day that I could post a picture of our happy family of 5, but since that day is not coming, I want to make SURE that I express GRATITUDE.

To our friends who have sent extra sippy cups, meals, and giftcards to help meet the needs of this little guy, thank you. You have loved us well.

To our family that has weighed down our car with Christmas gifts and new clothes for this little guy, thank you.

To the people that we don't know that have given and prayed, your gifts are a blessing. We know that you will receive eternal rewards for them.

To my very special friends that bought us a carseat for this child on the day that we found out he was coming, thank you. We are blessed by you.

To the prayer warriors, thank you for interceding on our behalf.

What a perfect picture of the love of Christ you all have been.