Monday, June 2, 2014

How I contracted tetanus from DIY

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I honestly marvel at people who DIY. I've been not so secretly stalking the Barksdale home reno and um... that's really impressive. They're gutting and cutting and prepping- which are the same steps you take when preparing an animal carcass to be eaten. I'll resist the urge to chase the rabbit trail of my thoughts on animal rigamortis because that is a different post entirely. What I'm really trying to say is that DIY sucks.

2 years ago, I found a can of paint that was a pretty shade of swampwater green. Perfect! Exactly what I've been needing to complete the top half and side of this shelf.

Yes, this is the "after" photo. Pay no mind to the peeling paint on the bottom. Its part of the effect. You don't even have to tell me how good this looks. I already know. Feel free to copy my design techniques.

Oh, you're still reading after having seen the picture? Perfect- I'll continue in my story. This little beaut used to hold my school things. After I gave my school things back,I got a fresh look at the ugliness of this shelf. I thought to myself "girl- you can spruce this thing up- come on now! Be that proverbs 31 woman and manhandle this thing outside and have no fear of the future (because how could you make it look any worse?)" YEAH! 

So I promptly got Masons wood chisel out and sliced my finger. It was only a minor slice so don't be alarmed. I may or may not have contracted tetanus. But really, don't worry about sending flowers or anything- I'm sure I'll be fine. 

 In all my tool knowledge glory I thought the chisel was a screwdriver- which was exactly the tool I needed for removing old staples!

So step 1 for restoring an old shelf: 
Fish out a tool, any tool, and remove the old crap from the furniture. 

Step 2: Take a break. After finding a bandaid for the aforementioned slice, I was tired. So I joined the rest of my family in the Sunday afternoon snooze. Why should I be the only one slaving away? 

Step 3: forget about the project. This is why I think DIY sucks. I'm not really into long term jobs. Especially after an injury. Remember? The slice! Owwwwww! So I mentally blocked out the shelf until... 

Step 4: remember the project upon waking in the morning to the rythmic sound of rain. Nothing better than a moist unfinished project. The next step requires hammering. Sooo, I layed out some towels to protect our carpet from any moisture that might accidentally fall on dried spit up and wrestled the wet shelf inside under the supervision of my screaming assistant. 

Step 5: do some hammering. Everyone knows that a DIY project isn't complete until some loud tool noise has been made. So, at 9 am, I set to work. I hammered throughout the entirety of Live with Kelly and Michael and then realized something. My neighbor's car is outside. They must have the day off. I've mentioned before how much they like us, so I'm sure they didn't mind the decibal of hammering that happened up against their bedroom wall. 😬😬😬

So here you have it. Our finished DIY shelf that only cost $17 in supplies, and any forthcoming medical expenses we may incur from the development of the slice and the disease that E picked up while making out with the Lowes cart. Easy Peasy.