Thursday, May 29, 2014

Don't have a baby if...

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Don't have a baby if: 

1. You don't like advice from the self proclaimed peditricians that frequent the produce section at Walmart. 

After giving their unsolicited opinion that your baby looks "a little small- but maybe that's just because you have him all crammed in that baby backpack..." they proceed in the diagnosis by sticking their hands down "that baby backpack" in order to simultaneously infect your baby with the butt flake germ they picked up from touching their cart (that's not a joke- my mom actually saw someone bare handedly scratch their butt then touch a cart- enjoy your nightmare) and get uncomfortably close to your bosom. All of this happens so quickly that all you can muster is "well- it's actually a girl..." while subtly moon walking backwards away from the spinach. 

2. You already have a legitimate excuse for missing things.

If not, nothing says "don't worry about missing great mimi's 110th birthday party" like a baby with a mysterious eye crusty. This also works for general hygiene and household cleanliness. You can totally slide by on all of these fronts with an easy "I was going to do something about that black mold... and my hair thats being held in a ponytail by only its own grease... but then the baby pooped today, soooo...." and everyone you tell will just nod their head and say "yeah... if the baby pooped, there's nothing you can do about that..."

3. You don't want to know about everyone's BUSINESS.

And by business, I mean their fallopian tubes, cervix, and dilation. If you feel awkward reading this, and you're checking over your shoulder as we speak to make sure no one sees these words on your iphone screen- don't have a baby. After childbirth you have a free pass to discuss every bodily function with anyone with ears. Also, you are now allowed to text every mom you know with a conversation starter that goes like this: "so, this might be TMI about my body, but..... [something that is wayyyyyy TMI for the internet]..... is that normal? Also, your kids are looking super cute on Instagram! SMILEY FACE!"

4. You'd rather sleep all night than laugh all night. Basically, if you're a party pooper. 

In the beginning, Mason and I were all "we are soooooo tired.... ughhhh can't peel my left eyelid up... ugh... how long have I been wearing this tshirt? 9 days? okay... " in the middle of the night. But now, we COME ALIVE. We have seriously laughed harder in the middle of the night over the past 8 months than we have at any other time of our relationship. There's just something hilarious about a giggly baby that thinks dad's morning breath is smile worthy at 4 am. Mommy, of course, has dazzling breath.

5. You're not ready to fall in love. 

The first scripture that comes to mind about love is of course 1 Corinthians 13, and Im sure some freshman Bible scholar will call me out on a context faux paus, but seriously yall - Love is patient and kind, it doesn't envy, it doesn't boast. It isn't proud or rude. It isn't self seeking. It's not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. It doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Doesn't this sum up parenthood? Having a baby has taught me so many new lessons about love, and the fruit that comes from it. I don't have patience on my own- but when I love someone as much as I love that baby in the "baby backpack", I have enough patience to sing the song about the hippo-that-takes-a-bath 90 times in a day. It's CRAZY how much you fall in love with a baby. People tell you, but you just don't know until you realize you've still got black mold and bad breath and greasy hair and you don't EVEN care because your baby is smiling at you.

this picture has been changed to black and white as an attempt to mask the unshoweredness. You're welcome.